I’m on my seventh day of being sick. I have a whole bunch of different type of sicknesses, none of which is very interesting to mention, so I won’t. What I will mention is how intolerant I’ve become. I can’t stand being uncomfortable, never mind in pain. Four years ago I pushed through mono and almost had my liver shut down. Now, my throat hurts and I practically dissolve into tears.
Neither end of the continuum allows me to function very well. And, it’s not just physical whininess. I also freak out if I’m sad, bored, anxious. I freak out if information is not readily available. I just can’t stand it. I need to make it whatever it is at the moment stop. I need a Plan A, B, and C so that I know it’s going to stop. I need an expert available for advice. I need a witness to document my experiences.
I’ve always considered myself to be an optimistic person, but I wonder now if that’s true. To me, an optimist is able to see the big picture because the big picture is pretty good (life, flowers, David Sedaris). A pessimist has always been someone mired in the details, unable to see how petty most problems are. Now I can see that this latter world view is starting to ring pretty for me. Logically, I know that all this physical stuff is going to pass or change or ease, but I enter into this childish space that now is the only time that counts.
I wonder is my change in outlook is due to, what I had previously assumed was, a conscious attempt to live in the now. Because the now sucks. I don’t feel good. I don’t want to focus on my breath because it’s wheezy and phlegmy. Just like I don’t want to focus on my surroundings because the light is too bright and Stewart McLean’s voice is grating. I won’t say that it’s not important to note how delightful those blades of grass feel on your feet as you walk towards the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen. But, a lot of the day to day is pretty banal, if not shitty at times.
So now I guess I’m fighting with Eckhart Tolle. He’s probably spaced out on a bench somewhere, so it probably won’t be a fair fight. Instead I’ll be on my own bench thinking how great 20 minutes, 20 days, 20 months, and 20 years from now are going to rock.
Positive Thought of the Day: I’m going to eat a toasted tomato, cheese, and avocado sandwich in about an hour!
